Verdict: Linux
You answered like someone who has things to do. Hardware that should just work, wifi that should just connect, software that should just install. Linux is the correct answer, and there is no shame in the correct answer. Most of the internet runs on it. Your new machine will too.
What you get
Section titled “What you get”- The largest driver collection in the history of computing. If a chip exists, someone angry has already made it work. Wifi cards, printers, webcams, obscure USB devices, ancient sound boards. All of it, usually out of the box.
- Packages for everything, in every format, several of them simultaneously. apt, pacman, dnf, flatpak, snap, brew. Pick the one that matches your distro and install anything.
- Enough documentation, forums, and blog posts that your exact error message has been argued about on a forum since 2009. Stack Overflow has 2 million Linux questions. Someone solved your problem already.
- GPUs, gaming, modern hardware. If it’s brand new, Linux got support first. If it’s exotic, Linux probably got it working.
- The ecosystem. Laptops, servers, phones, microcontrollers, IoT, containers. Learn Linux once and it’s everywhere.
What will hurt
Section titled “What will hurt”- Choosing a distro. Everyone will tell you theirs with the intensity of a religion. Just pick one and stop asking. Debian if you want boring stability, Fedora if you want current, Ubuntu if you want mainstream support, Arch if you want to become insufferable about it.
- The init system discourse. Do not engage. It still hasn’t ended. Walk away. Use systemd. Everyone else does.
- Sometimes the wrong driver loads. Sometimes updates break things. Reboot, check the forums, usually fixed by tomorrow.
- Desktop environments: GNOME, KDE, i3, dwm, Cinnamon, XFCE. Another choice. Just pick one.
Getting help
Section titled “Getting help”- r/linux on Reddit for opinions and general questions.
- Linux Foundation for official documentation.
- DistroWatch for comparing distros and finding what works.
- Arch Wiki even if you don’t use Arch. It’s the best Linux documentation on the internet.
- Your distro’s community forums. Search there first.
First steps
Section titled “First steps”- Don’t install a rolling release (Arch, Fedora) on your main machine if this is your first time. Use Debian, Ubuntu LTS, or Fedora (stable version). Rolling releases mean updates every week and occasionally break things.
- Boot from USB first. Try it without installing. Most distros let you live boot.
- Check your wifi chipset before installing. If it’s Broadcom or Realtek, it might need extra drivers. Google your model first.
- Set up a separate /home partition if you plan to reinstall. Your data survives.
Where to start
Section titled “Where to start”Download Debian or Fedora Workstation, write it to a USB stick, boot from USB, click through install, and get on with your life.
If one day the machine gets old, the wifi chip gets weird, and you catch yourself reading a datasheet for fun, come back. The interrogation will still be here.